apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
This is my gift to your gina
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
