So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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