If that was your dad, he is hot
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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