we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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