My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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