Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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