I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
