I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
