yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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