My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize