foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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