he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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