I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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