our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
