The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
