I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
