I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
