Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
