I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
