dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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