Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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