Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
