I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
