I cockslap morals
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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