Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Your shirt... Was in my pants
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
