I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
