The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
FUCK WHALES
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
