I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
