Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
