u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
