Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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