If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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