Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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