I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
