today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
