what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
