Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize