You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
