i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
