I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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