I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
His hands were made for my vagina.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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