Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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