Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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