im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
