Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
