so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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