I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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