i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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