I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if only i could text you this smell
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
