so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
