Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
