i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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