hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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