hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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