nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
