Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
