I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
