with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
