You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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